Un artículo de Laura Cabezas en el que participé:
Por convicción o porque no se puede lograr que los chicos se duerman solos, compartir la cama con los hijos es una costumbre en alza. ¿Qué pasa cuando los padres se separan y llega otra persona a la casa de papá o mamá?
Nicole Neuman estalló de bronca al enterarse de que su exmarido, Fabián Cubero permitió que una de sus hijas durmiera con Mica Viciconte, su nueva pareja. El jugador y la mediática llevan seis meses de relación y ese episodio ocurrió la tercera vez que los novios intentaban «ensamblar» la familia. La reacción de la modelo dio lugar a un nuevo capítulo en esta novela mediática y también, a un debate sensible: ¿qué pasa con el colecho cuando llega una nueva pareja al hogar?
Este término se puso de moda en los últimos años de la mano de mamás famosas como Paula Chaves y Juana Repetto, convertidas además en gurúes de la crianza con apego. Se refiere, según la Asociación Argentina de Pediatría, a «la circunstancia en la cual el niño duerme en la misma cama junto a su madre u otros miembros de la familia, todas las noches, durante, al menos, cuatro horas«. Uno de los grandes beneficios en el caso de los lactantes, es que facilita las tomas nocturnas y permite que toda la familia descanse mejor. Diversos estudios prueban que el colecho favorece la lactancia materna prolongada. Pero cuando los chicos crecen, la cama de mamá y papá es más un refugio que una necesidad fisiológica. Allí hay calor, mimos y una sensación única de seguridad.
La bronca -o incertidumbre, miedo, indignación- de Nicole la comparten muchos padres separados que no saben qué pasará con sus hijos acostumbrados al colecho cuando se queden a dormir con su ex y su pareja nueva. Como Virginia L., una mamá de Barracas que se separó cuando su hijo Nicolás tenía 2 meses -ahora tiene casi 3 años- y que recientemente se enteró de que su ex se mudó con la novia, a quien ella todavía no conoce. «Nico se baja de la cama en el medio de la noche y se pasa a la mía. Y me intriga saber qué va a pasar cuando esté con ella. Me da ‘cosita'», confesó.
Me parece que dormir, bañarse, ciertas cosas para los chicos…son con mamá, papá, una tía o una abuela, dijo Nicole.
Según la psicóloga Alicia López Blanco, en estos casos, lo más conveniente es que los padres le expliquen al niño que su cama es su espacio y que debe quedarse allí. Una tarea que puede parecer sencilla, pero es agotadora en el medio de la noche. Sin embargo, según la especialista, es fundamental tener con los chicos esta charla: «El colecho se explica porque somos mamíferos y los bebés mamíferos duermen al lado de la teta de su mamá. Durante la lactancia y hasta que empieza a caminar y hablar, el niño es muy dependiente del afecto y la corporalidad de sus papás. Pero después, hay que empezar a realizar un distanciamiento. Se le debe explicar a los niños que duerman en su cama porque dormir es un acto de intimidad y un estado de mucha vulnerabilidad también». La licenciada propone una solución para los papás con chicos «pegotes»: llevarlos de nuevo a su cama y quedarse allí con ellos toda la noche si es necesario, pero evitar el cuarto compartido.
En el caso de padres separados, los reparos sobre el nivel de intimidad pueden tener que ver con las sensaciones agrias que genera ver al ex con una nueva pareja y a los chicos en un hogar del que, a priori, se teme que sean excluidos. «Hay todo una parte de la vida del chico que queda por fuera de tu injerencia y eso es muy difícil. Es la confirmación de que tus hijos no están bajo tu ala. En ese sentido, la cama es la representación máxima de la intimidad, y el momento en el que los chicos están más vulnerables, más mimosos», explicó la psicóloga especializada en crianza y familia, Marisa Russomando. ¿Y cómo se hace para evitar el resentimiento y los celos? «Eso depende de la inseguridad que uno tenga en su rol de madre o padre. Los hijos van a tener un montón de amores; amarán a su maestra, a la niñera, pero el vínculo de madre/padre e hijo es muy especial y único», diferenció López Blanco.
«Me quedé a dormir porque las nenas me invitaron. Cuando salgo del baño de lavarme los dientes, la nena en pijama y con una tablet me dice ‘¿te molesta que duerma con vos?’. Y yo le digo que no tenía problema porque era una cama grande, pero que le pregunte al papá. Miramos una peli y nos dormimos. Eso fue todo», relató Mica Viciconte.
Frente a esta nueva situación, los especialistas coinciden en que la llegada de otra persona puede ser una gran oportunidad para que los padres trabajen sobre los hábitos de sueño de la familia. «La inclusión de la nueva pareja, invita a ordenar la vida doméstica y a dejar el colecho de lado, excepto que sigan pensando que esa es la mejor forma. Pero en realidad, pocas personas adhieren realmente al colecho. Lo que sucede es que los papás intentan que sus chicos duerman en la cama y como no les sale, terminan durmiendo juntos. También, a veces, cuando los padres se separan hay un período en el que los que no colechaban lo hacen porque los adultos se sienten solos o porque les parece que los chicos están tristes, es un momento de mayor desorden «, explica Russomando.
En el caso de que tengamos reparos que van más allá de «lo debido» o «lo correcto», es importante tomar recaudos. «Se debe confiar en el criterio del otro, en cuanto a la elección de la pareja, y si no, están las instancias legales. Si a uno le suena la alarma por algún hecho que le hace temer por la integridad emocional o física de su hijo, debe apelar a una instancia legal, porque en principio hablaríamos de buenas personas, pero también están las personas patológicas. Uno tiene que poder evaluar si de verdad le parece que la otra persona va a perjudicar al niño o si se trata de conflictos personales nuestros no resueltos», cerró la licenciada.
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